Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

— Helen Keller.

The Heartache

There is a saying that goes something like “the universe doesn’t put you on a path if it doesn’t feel you can handle it”. It doesn’t sound fair but, in some ways, I think it’s true.

In my 39 years on this planet I have dealt with a lot of heartache including horrible break ups and losses leading to depression and anxiety. I overcame all of this and came out stronger the other side. But nothing prepared me for infertility. I spent most of my life trying not to fall pregnant, then I met Johnny the love of my life and when the time finally came to start a family we came to understand that its not going to be as easy for us as it is for most other people.

I had achieved nearly everything I wanted in life so far. I have an absolutely amazing husband who adores me as much as I do him. I have a wonderful career which gives me a sense of purpose and I am surrounded by supportive family and friends who cry with me through the ups and downs of life. The one thing I wanted more than anything since I was a little girl was to be a mum. I have often been the person that my friends come to for advice and guidance, my desire to nurture runs deep.

When you are going through treatment for infertility whether it is ovulation tracking, IUI or IVF no one really prepares you for the mental battle you will go through. As you watch your friends and family fall pregnant and their kids grow up, you go through month after month of heartache. Everything becomes a trigger, pregnancy announcements, baby showers, tv shows, movies and even a trip to the shops can be hard at times seeing women with their newborns, baby bumps and children in tow. For me the burning desire to be a mum is consuming, it takes all the strength I have to wake up each day and keep going.

Spending time with family and friends with kids is hard. I absolutely adore spending time with them, hearing about their milestones and watching their parents dote over them. The cuddles and playtimes are priceless but going home to a quiet home with no giggles or sound of little feet running up and down the hallway breaks my heart in two. It comes to a point where on weekends I struggle to leave the house and my bubble of security.

When I tell people of the journey we are on or am asked are we having kids it is interesting to hear the responses people say, “you can have one of mine” or “have you thought about adoption” sometimes its “everything happens for a reason” or “just relax and it will happen” I know they don’t mean any harm by these comments but there is nothing anyone can say or suggest that we haven’t already thought of. All we need to hear is something along the lines of “I’m sorry you are going through this” or “what can I do to help”

The fear is the biggest part and what keeps me up at night. Fear that I will never know what it’s like to be pregnant, feel that baby kicking in my tummy and share the joy with my husband as we watch our baby go through all their milestones. Fear that I will never experience those sleepless nights, dirty nappies, late night feeds and mum moments everyone talks about. Fear that we will be that childless couple with nothing in common with our friends and family as they all move on with their own families. This fear is what drives me even harder to keep going, knowing one way or another we will have a family.

Since starting treatment, we have experienced some amazing moments of happiness however they are short lived as results come in and our fears are confirmed. Over the past 12 months we have gone through 4 egg collections, 4 embryo transfers resulting in two early miscarriages otherwise known as chemical pregnancies and two complete negatives. I have had surgery to remove stage 3 endometriosis, had countless blood tests and ultrasounds, taken thousands of pills and over a hundred self-administered injections not to forget spending over $70,000 with nothing to show for it.

This all sounds like a big whinge, but its not. I really want to try and explain what it has been like for us over the past few years. I haven’t told many people the extent of my feelings because I don’t want their sympathy, I don’t want people to avoid us or feel they can’t share their happy news with us because if we do that we miss out on life and we run the risk of loosing friendships at a time we need them the most. What I do want is to raise awareness around infertility because it is more common than we know. You don’t have to feel lonely or isolated. There is amazing help out there.

So how have I managed all these emotions, the heartache and fear?

The Hope

I love this quote by Helen Keller “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence”.

It is so easy to fall into a pit of helplessness whilst going through fertility treatment. Nothing feels in your control. But you hold onto hope each and every day that your dreams will come true.

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I always have a plan. As we go into action plan A I will have a plan B, C and D should the first plan fail. This always helps me navigate the disappointments because I know what our next steps will be. Don’t get me wrong, I still crash and burn but I am able to pick myself up quickly. 

Our plan A is to have a baby of our own, one which is made up of both mine and my husbands genetics. Plan B, C and D involve using donors and if we ever have to, we may consider fostering a baby with option to adopt. The emotions we must go through to even consider looking for a donor are intense. Its not as easy as just getting a random person’s sperm or egg and using it, there are legal implications involving the donor in that our child has the right to find their donor parent. We have had to think if we go down that path that yes, we will be our child’s parents having been there from conception (in a lab) through to birth and so on but not biologically. We would need to be open and honest with our child as to where they have come from and not hold them back from seeking their donor. The heartache may never stop. There is mandatory counselling we would need to go through if we take this path. It is all very overwhelming however it is a reality we may have to face if we ever wish to become parents. Our hope is that plan A works but knowing there are options does help with the setbacks we face month after month.  

Along with having a plan I also make sure to keep busy and finding a sense of purpose in something other than becoming a mum has kept me from falling into a pit of darkness. Both my husband and I have thrown ourselves into work this year. We love our jobs, I am in a role where it is my job to help people become the best versions of themselves and grow their careers, I also help the business I work for become successful through management of their employees. Helping others through their own tough times whether it is at work or friends is my way of managing. I cannot control what is happening to us but I can help someone else through their troubling times. This gives me a sense of purpose that I am giving to others the way I hope to one day give to our child.

In saying all that I do still have to allow myself to grieve and process the emotions I am feeling. As the saying goes “You can’t poor from an empty cup, you must take care of yourself first” I am still working my way through different ways of processing it all and writing this blog is one way. Getting everything out on paper and reading over it makes me proud of how I have coped, it shows me that whatever the outcome I will be ok.

As we near the end of our first year of treatment and endless setbacks I am aware that this journey has no guarantees and I am also coming to realise that things may get harder before they get better. To cope with the isolation infertility can make you feel I have found comfort in online communities and support groups like Fertility Support Australia. The friendships I have made have been absolutely incredible and offer support and comfort in those worst moments of failed cycles and bad news. Meeting up with inspiring women who are going through exactly what I am going through and can offer words of wisdom when its needed has picked me up and dusted me off giving me the confidence to try again.

I still have so much to deal with and at the moment I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I do have an amazing support network and most of all I have a husband who I love more than I have loved anyone and I know in my deepest heart that as long as we have each other and hold each other tight we will be ok. Life might not turn out like we had planned but whatever the outcome we will live our lives to the fullest.